Dear Writer's Union:
Hello! My name is Bill Smith. I am a cartoonist, creator of and writer for the comic strip Briefs. I cartoon because my doctor feels this is a better outlet for my "creativity" and it costs less than medication. Plus they couldn't keep me from hiding crayons in my underwear, and evidently that stuff is a pain to get off the padded walls. But enough about that.
I am having a problem. You see, when I heard that all the writers were no longer writing material, this put me in quite the block. Who was I going to get to write material for my comic strips?! The previous writer for the comic material had been myself, and things had gone rather smoothly with this agreement, with some comics garnering more than a 100 favorites when I was having a good day. I was very pleased with myself as a writer, and I was considering giving myself a raise (I knew I would like that and had cut myself rather short on my Christmas bonus) when I heard about the strike.
What a severe blow to the head with a crowbar! Who was I going to get to write for Briefs now with myself on strike? I support the strike, you see, us writers deserve more money! (I'd been doing Briefs very cheaply, at an average rate of no money per strip! What a rip!) But with myself on strike, I knew that Briefs would suffer. So it'd be a face-off, much like your Union's against Hollywood.
But the dry spell got too long! I couldn't let Briefs fall into the same pit as The Office! (By the way, the clinic voted me "As Funny as Michael Scott" on my Facebook account, but my doctor says that this isn't necessarily a compliment, but I think he's still mad from the "Thorazine" incident.) I needed new stuff! But what to do with myself on strike? I had to come up with something. The only non-writer I could get was my dog. He's cute and all, but boy can he not write. I think he should get the Pulitzer for not writing, he's such a bad not writer. If you've seen my last comic strip, you'd know he's a bad not writer. It involved aliens, a chainsaw, and William Tell. My comics now suck with myself on strike, refusing to write material for them, and the clinic took away my dog once I showed them my new comic strip, so now I'm fresh out of a not writers.
Please cancel this strike! We are suffering! It shows on TV that this strike is hurting people (especially the Late Show. My dog is a better not writer than anyone on that show.) Plus it's not like you guys have ALWAYS been doing your job. This is the only explanation I can think of for Pirates of the Caribbean 3 which was clearly the first two movie scripts put into a blender with Keith Richards, and Cloverfield, which I think was actually a series of close-ups on a drug-abusing fruit bat. You writers are good, and youd have to be crazy to continue the strike! And I know you people arent crazy, you all are just as sane as I am.
Thank you for listening, please cancel this strike!
P.S. I was sitting down to write this letter when I remembered that I was on strike and not writing anything. So I didnt take my meds. My doctors say Im not myself when Im off my meds, so I guess that honors the strike since I wasn't myself when I wrote this. I think. Though I hope we do get raises when this is all over, I keep on breaking the CC needles and the doctors said theyre going to have to start charging me.